Dedication to Madilynn Noel Stroud - We Fought to meet you

5-12-14 The Morning after the longest day of my life.

         Madilynn, I want to hold you, sing to you, rock you to sleep, watch cartoons while we cuddle, I miss all of our time together and so afraid to say goodbye. I don't want to see you go and just want to be there for you forever. But before goodbye was even a forced possibility, the anticipation to say hello for the first time is still fresh in my mind.

From the first day I saw you in your momma's belly, and the first sound of that swisha swoosha swisha of your sweet little heart beat of the first ultrasound, tears filled my eyes and a smile would not leave my face. I fell deeply in love, instantly, and couldn't wait to share the news about you. It was so exciting to see and hear for the very first time. I can still hear it distinctively from this day. It wasn't much longer that we learned that you were gonna be a little girl.

Nurse: Her legs are so close together I could barely tell
Me: And She better keep them that way too!
[Nurse and your mommy burst into laughter, protective daddy already begins]

         There were some slight scares throughout the pregnancy, mostly with "spotting" and a lot of bed rest. I was constantly trying to take care of the house, do yard work outside, cook when I could, lift all the heavy things, constantly remind your mom to go sit down or lay down so the swelling wouldn't get too bad so I could actually meet and hold you in person. I was so scared that I was gonna lose you.  This started 4-5 months into the pregnancy, some days were very frustrating and just felt like I was just being taken advantage of. I tried to just ignore it and was determined to meet you.

          I remember we had to go to some class at the hospital to prepare for your birth. They played some nasty graphic video of  childbirth. I'm sorry but there is nothing "Beautiful" of what takes place and I refused to actually see you coming out. Yes it is an experience, but that is one sight I didn't want to see ;).  A couple weeks later, we were celebrating our anniversary and went to Paragon Casino. I remembered how bored I was for my bachelor party the first time me and my close friends went and how we actually had a better time at the cabins we were staying at. (I never really was big on partying anyway, all that stuff is over rated baby, you didn't miss much) Your mom heard that her clients always had a good time there and she knew I liked casinos, she was also still on bed rest and couldn't do many things without having to be cautious about swelling and her blood pressure spiking. We had to be extra careful to be sure you would come to us as healthy as possible. It's like I said, from day one, we fought to make your happiness a reality.

         By the end of the weekend, your mother's swelling got worse. We drove back home, I was a nervous wreck that whole night and went into work the next morning while your mom went see her doctor and got the news that we needed to prepare for your arrival. This was about a week or two early from the expected due date. Your mom called me and gave me the news. I started pacing all over the room back and forth and finding ways to be busy, trying to keep everything on the outside together, while on the inside I was trying to figure out when I should ask to leave. Will you be OK? I hope you are healthy. What will you look like? I can't wait to meet you! My boss and co-workers could see the frantic excitement I was carrying inside me, and my boss gave me permission to leave early so I could be with your mom as she went to her room to get prepared for your arrival.

As I arrived at the hospital, I was stuck counting down the minutes, kind of like I am now, but instead of waiting to say goodbye, I couldn't wait to say hello. As the hours went by and the lack of sleep continued to grow. I watched your mom in pain, as you stubbornly but slowly began to make your way into the world. I didn't want a big crowd in the room as we waited for your arrival. I Stepped out of the room for the epidural and things went a lot faster after that. The contractions became stronger, and everything we watched in the video was basically happening one step at a time. I slept maybe one hour that night but the adrenaline had me wide awake. Finally the nurse checked her levels and went get the doctor, when the doctor came in, she said it's time to start pushing! This was so exciting to me, the only way i knew how to coach was from sports, so I did the best I could.

Feet just like her daddy

Me: Push, Push, Push, Push.....now breath
[I said this over and over.]
Doctor: You're doing great Jenny don't stop
Me: You can scream if you need to when you push
Your mommy: starts screaming as she pushes
Doctor: Yea please don't...
Me: laughing quietly to  myself then saying "Push Push Push, now breath"

As if we were in a weight room and I am spotting her as she is doing bench presses. The atmosphere seemed fitting. I made the mistake of saying "Now Relax." as you were almost with us, Annoyed and in pain, your mom looks at me and says, "RELAX?!?!?" I busted out laughing this time as my awkwardness made its way out of my lips and when I looked at the Doctor, even she cracked a smile, probably thinking "What a goober". After a quick snip to give more room, You came flying out and the doctor catches you. As you made your way Into this world, and the nurse cleared your lungs, I heard the most beautiful yell, ringing out for the whole hallway to hear. It was like a little pterodactyl scream and I couldn't have been happier fighting back my tears of joy. Nose flaring, lip quivering, I was the first to hold you and look into your beautiful innocent eyes. Something I will never forget. As I look down at you, tears start to roll down my cheek. You look back at me wondering who I was. The nurse laid you on the cleaning table and I held your little hand and put an oxygen mask to your face to help you breath. I was a bit nervous, but they said you were OK, healthy, and the happiness was just beginning for you.

Love at first sight!

The story is about to begin...

      Coming from a divorced family, I've learned a lot from both of my parents. Often, a person will react either two ways. During a childhood experience, a person will learn and reciprocate the experience and apply it to his/her future or that person will learn to do the opposite of the experience depending on how it has affected the outcome of the person's life.

"For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." - Sir Isaac Newton, Third Law of Motion

Even though this law is for that of physical science, in my experience, theoretically you can apply this law to psychology as well. You will be involved in situations in your life, where you either react negatively or positively from it, and there will be other factors that are affected from this effect either as a benefit or a loss. The unique thing about our lives individually is that we can control whether or not we have a positive or negative impact on our lives. Ultimately, something will be learned from each experience in your life and that is why we are here to Learn, everything, all the time. It is a lesson and the capacity of our brain is endless.

Top: Myself, Mom, Older Sister
Bottom: Younger sister, Step father

Mom, Dad, If you read this, I know you were very young when you had both my sister and I, and you had many things you were learning on the road of life for yourselves. One thing you accomplished that I have not is seeing your children grow up to be educated, goal oriented, hardworking individuals. That is something to be proud of and I love and am appreciative for helping us get to where we are now. Without y'all and my stepfather, none of what I have accomplished would have been possible.

My Dad, Marques Colston, Myself

What I have learned growing up as a kid, is how ugly divorce is. How much pain it puts on everyone affected by it no matter what age. There will be sadness, pain, confusion, etc. Sometimes, the reactions are vented involuntarily to other parties; family, friends, but most of all children. The love from your child does not compare to the love from your spouse. In a child's eyes, the love for a parent is the world to them. When the child sees the parent hurting, the child hurts with them, same with every other emotion that the parent may experience. (This is my personal observation from being both a parent and child in a situation of Divorce).

In both scenarios it was also decided it was best for the child(ren). What I promised myself and Madilynn even before I was married, before I had a child, is that I would never get a divorce, I don't believe in it. I also made a promise to myself that I would love my daughter endlessly, so she would never feel a void from me and could always trust that her daddy was gonna be there for her. I did the best that I could and still hold true to that belief, but sometimes life has other plans that are out of my control. The only thing I can do is sit here and wonder where do I go from here, how do I adapt from this. I don't have all the answers, might not ever have them, but I can't give up.

Dedication to Madilynn Noel Stroud - Prologue

        Starting today, and one time for every following week, I will express a dedication to a love so beautiful, so profound, and an angel so sweet and loving who loved to laugh and play, that I can not fathom why God would want to take it from me so soon and not allow me to watch it flourish before my eyes as the years grow older. Madilynn Noel Stroud was only two years, one month, and 25 days when she left my life to experience the divinity of Heaven (Yes I know she is there, and that gives me peace, even though I miss her constantly). It was the longest day of my life as time seemed to have stopped and then move slowly. then the week began to drag out even longer. I try to write as many memories as possible of the times we had together, and I am happy that I was able to experience every bit of that time with Madi, I just wish I could have had more. She was the only person I have ever had touch my heart to where she could make me laugh right after I have been crying, or after a long taxing day at work, when I would go pick her up, her wide open arms, huge smile, and sprint to me with a sparkle in her eyes, that would suddenly brighten my day. Ultimately my new lifelong goal is to master patience as this has been one of my greatest flaws. I hate that this is the way I have to master this challenge of life, but it is the only way I will get to love, kiss, and hug my sweet baby girl again for eternity in Heaven.

      Throughout the days of my intense mourning, constant questions, feelings of worthlessness, empty stomach and insufficient sleep, I also managed to write something that I felt that was sent straight from God. Please feel free to share this following message. I honestly believeHis message is to love unconditionally and forgive often. But learn from the past. The day before Madilynn's funeral I printed 150 of these papers. I still own the original but the message I am expressing is very powerful. The message comes directly from my heart and mind, and if I didn't believe it was true, I would not be sharing it with you right now.

       "If there is anything that Madi taught me, it is that God surrounds us in life. He is everywhere and in everything, constantly reminding us that He is there with us. What I never noticed or understood, until I had my baby girl, is that if you do not allow God into your HEART, then you are just going through the motions. You cannot experience unconditional love, you cannot truly forgive anyone or honestly understand anything if God is not allowed into your heart.

         You can go to church, surround yourself with Christian people, read the Bible over and over, and throw verses at people like rocks to try to break their spirit. If God is not in your heart,then you may never understand the lessons the Bible holds. A person can go through every motion possible, but if God is not allowed in your heart, 100%, then you will not appreciate your purpose in life and never understand or accept unconditional love for anything else. This world is so deep, and has more than just individual feelings or thoughts. Madi and I loved each other and I would sacrifice everything for her. She was my life, my world, my everything, now she's gone and left me with this message.

Share love for everyone, so God can fill your heart and not just surround your life. That is the only way you will truly appreciate anything."

I love you Madilynn Noel,
You were my one and only "lil butt"

Matt Stroud